Starry Night

Tonight, under a clear, star-scattered sky, I burned a bad time in my life. It’s been a long while since I held a fire ritual, the letting go of what no longer serves me well. Something about flames and purpose gives me a sense of a fresh start. And that’s where I am right now – cherishing the moment, recognizing the hard work that’s led me to this sweet time.

For the past couple weeks I’ve been clearing old files, digging through storage bins, drawers, closets, and cupboards. I’m astounded at what I’ve found. Things I didn’t remember owning. Or writing. Things I’ve kept for no rhyme or reason.

In the bottom of a drawer I found my old journals. When my first marriage ended, and for several years after, I poured my guts onto paper, frantically trying to figure things out and fix myself. While reading through a few pages this evening I wanted to reach back in time and smack that girl I was then, the one who so willingly took all the blame and cried how all her dreams had been destroyed. Maybe slightly amused pity is a better response. Because life has turned out almost exactly the way I wanted it to, despite my fears I’d never be happy again.

I watched the smoke from those journals curl away from me, like a living thing. A satellite eased across the sky; hundreds, maybe thousands, of frogs croaked melodiously while I sipped blackberry brandy and snuggled deeper into my coat and scarf. And I let it all go.

A New Year's Phrase

It’s a new year, bright and shiny and full of possibilities, but there will be no resolutions made; they only bring out the defiant child in me and I end up breaking them all, not caring that it costs me the achievement of a goal. Instead, I’ve decided to adopt a phrase, a nudging reminder that there are changes afoot and now is the time to make them.

A few of the changes are standard – exercise more, make better food choices. Most of us know those goals very well. Some are more personal, rising from questions that barreled at me around my birthday last year. There’s no doubt I’ve entered the phase of life called “mid”. It’s not the half-way point (or, most likely, beyond), but the point at which the balance can shift. I can be lazy and it’s all downhill from here, or, better, I can take a good, long look at what I need to be to stay happy, healthy, and contributing to this world. Fixing a goal in mind does no good if I do nothing to support getting there.

My reminder, the whisper in my ear, will be a question: If not now … when? There has to be a starting point for everything and it is now. Otherwise it’s always tomorrow, next week, after the holiday, when I have more money, when the cows come home and pigs fly.  When I’m tempted to slide it will be the question that calls me to make a choice – if not now, when? That doesn’t mean I’ll always follow through. Good lord, where would the fun be in that? But a conscious choice is always better than being an old horse following the same track home every night.  There are lots more trails to be explored and this year, now, I intend to gallop a little.